Heavy and Beautiful
This Summer, I am wearing a two piece.
Insert smirk
Okay, not just any ol’ two piece. I am wearing a high waisted bottom and a cute crop top like-top. However, if your first thought about my opening statement was, “Wait. Hold up, Leesh. Let’s talk about this.” If you even giggled, out of being ashamed for and or of me…
Exit now.
The older I get; can I be honest?
The sexier I feel in my skin.
Recently, I did this big #ThrowbackThursday on my social media (IG & FB) and if I’m honest, the one thing that kept circulating in my head was, “why didn’t I post these pictures when they were happening?” On one hand, I know I probably didn’t post them because I tend to be a pretty private person and prefer to enjoy the moment with those whom I’m sharing it with, but on the other hand, I am confident, I didn’t post several of those pictures because I saw SO MANY FLAWS IN ME! I could be in group pictures, and baby we can be the flyest bunch, but if I didn’t meet this "perfection standard" I created in my head…I wasn’t posting it. More often than not, it had to do with my weight. Did I look fat, was the constant question.
More often than not, the answer was “yes.” I kept asking myself and telling myself that I looked fat.
*Insert shrugs here* and the reality is/was…...I WAS A CHUNKY BUTTER ROLL, but SO what! I was fat, but I was also…gorgeous, smart, hilarious, loving, growing, patient, a sister, a friend, a lover, a student, an employee, and SO many other things, that I foolishly tied to my size.
Now, I look back at some of my pictures and I shake my head because, today I am my heaviest, but I am my happiest. I still pick and choose between several pictures, but now at 25…baby you gonna see them rolls, you gonna see that second neck and honey you might also see that second chin! SO WHAT!
The thing is, I wasn’t enjoying “me” at/in every season. I also wasn’t being honest with myself about where I was, and where I wanted to be.
At 25, let me repeat this… I am my heaviest, and baby..you can’t tell me anything! Want to know why? Because, I’ve learned to separate my weight from the other parts of me. Now, am I saying I don’t have the desire to shed some pounds and get healthier, God no. I want to slim down, I want to be healthier…and that’s a work in progress, but today.. I’ll take my love handles…I created them. Today, I’ll accept that extra jiggle when I walk fast… I did that, and for today…I’ll shake my head at myself for getting out of breath early… that’s MY lack of discipline. However, in those same moments, I love me, I love where I am….and I love where I DESIRE to be. (And am working to get to.)
I think the difference between the Alicia today, and the Alicia in a few of those throw backs (which btw weren’t thaaat long ago, I’d say give or take 2-4 years ago…) is that I I had a perspective check. I had to unlearn some things, while relearning some things. I have to get rid of the thinking I adopted from the world and take on Christ’s view of me. The world tells me I need to be “Summer time fine” and so now, I’m competing against a calendar to prepare my body for a season…instead of reshaping this banging temple of mines for a lifetime. The world tells me the outer matters, when the Word of God confirms that God doesn’t look at the exterior instead, He looks at the heart. Baby, dont’chu know we are just dust? Honey, I know you got your nails and your hair done…I see that you have on the baddest outfit possible, but what’s your heart checking on?
See, God made it really plain for me, “Alicia, you’re beautiful...and it has nothing to do with the things man can see at first glance.” Say what Jesus? You mean to tell me… that while men are visual first (the things we tell women who are single) and while it matters how polished I look, that at the end of it all, you care more about my heart? You mean to tell me…that the compliments you offer to me have everything to do with my faith walk and the internal things and nothing to do with my womanly upkeep? You mean to tell me that it is in the privacy of my home and in the hidden places of my heart that you find the pieces to say, “beautiful. All together lovely…no flaw?” God, you mean to tell me that you find the parts that everyone doesn’t have access too (the parts that I wrestle with, but present to you, the times when I lay at your feet, my worship, my prayer life, my quiet time, my silent confidence and hope in you…those intangible parts of me) as some of the sweetest parts of me?”
Woo’d.
You know….flat out…Woo’d, blushing and carrying on.
Crying.
Butterflies in my stomach…type of nervous and appreciation type of Woo’d.
God did that.
In my quiet time with him, as I studied some of the things the word of God said and says about beauty…I found myself blushing…tickled and feeling as if sweet nothings were seriously being whispered to me, instead they were sweet SOMETHINGS…..
Things like:
You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. - Song of Solo 4:7
Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. -1 Peter 3:3-4
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. -Proverbs 31:30
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. -Psalms 139: 14
But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” - 1 Sam 16:7
(Sweetest part, that's only a few....)
I left, and continue to leave that place…reminded that, man can’t hold a candle to me….because all of my validation, reassurance and confidence comes from Him. I am indeed all that and some because of whose I am. God calls me beautiful….catch that. (The woman that fears the lord is to be praised...God finds me worthy of praise...)
The Kings of Kings, Lord of Lords… the author and the finisher, the beginning and the end, the alpha and omega…calls ME…little ole, light skin shawty with the apple shape, BEAUTIFUL. What more does a gal need? Every man who passes me up, passes up on A GOOD THANG! hair flips, and waves good bye
Every man that overlooks me because of my size, also overlooks the fact that I can pray for him during and through any situation he goes through. I can prepare a banging dinner, I am fun to hang with, I’ll do an amazing job mothering, I am a great friend, quick with my sarcasm game, hospitable, loving, caring, a sister, a friend, a mother, selfless, generous, literally a proverbs 31 woman and a ton of other things…shame on him for passing me up because of my size.
Let’s take it a step further, any PERSON who only sees me for my weight and as my weight (isolating me to one piece of me) is a fool and misses out on SO much, in me. Period.
If you would take on this posture. HONEY. You become untouchable (in the mental space and working out becomes a choice, and not a chore.) Now, the goal is to be healthier, to lose this weight, to get in shape and to flex my temple in all of its stages…not because someone criticized me, but because I realize…its MY temple. I live in it, and I want to be kind to me. I want the Holy Spirit to dwell freely in this place…and I want to live to see 105 years. See, the shift in your posture makes 275 pounds, 209 pounds, 185 pounds, 150 pounds, 110 pounds all sound the same.
God calls me beautiful, and I am overweight.
So who the heck is man to call me anything less than.
Anyhew,
It’s late. I just had an amazing dinner, and I think I’m going to relax for a bit. I have plans to hit the gym officially starting next week, but for the remainder of this week, the goal is to be intentional about my food choices. If you would enjoy some video vlogs on fitness and self esteem please let me know. I’m thinking about sharing my journey…and would love to see what you all would like to hear or see in regards to that.
P.S--
Below, is a photo shoot, I took with my friends. We found the cutest background..and honestly, a year ago.. I wouldnt share these..my stomachSSS are making an appearance. However, today..baby you better pay attention to them rolls! They keep folks warm! LOL! They make my hugs feel like you are in the arms of jesus, they fill out all my shirts and jackets..they give me fake curves, honey... like a bottle of honey, literally! LOL! They show you that I'm eating good! LOL! I aint missing no meals. So...enjoy your viewing. lol.
Until next time, I pray you're loving every inch of you...God does.
XoXoXo,
Alicia Elizabeth
The youtube on my health journey is coming! Time to think of a good name for it. Send suggestions!
