There’s this poem by Warsan Shire entitled, “For women who are difficult to love” (listen, if you’ve never read it..better yet, if you’ve never HEARD her read it go check it out on youtube. Total game changer.) Anyway, I love all her work. (huge fan) but in the poem there’s this line that ALWAYS takes me out…
You can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that.
And then, for the sake of how powerful the stanza is, it goes on to say, “and if he wants to leave, let him.”
Whew.
Can we just pause for the cause and take in that line?
You…beautiful. You…broken, hurt, disappointed, terrifying, electric, proverbs 31 woman/man of God, you…can’t make homes out of human beings.
If I am going to keep it 100-thousands with ya’ll today, ya girl’s mood was SWINGING.
Baby, I wanted chocolate and to cuddle, sweet nothing text messages and random validation, I wanted attention while also wanted to be alone and be Ms.I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-NT. I wanted kisses and 10 minute hugs. Just crazy stuff. LOL. Nothing was wrong, yet nothing felt right. LOL! (I’m trying to express the level of drama ya girl was projecting today.) I kept seeking this. Making my request known, out here being thirsty LOL the saved way (laugh at me, laugh with me.. I said it. I said what I said).
And guess what, I kept coming up short.
Kept feeling disappointed.
Kept feeling overlooked, undervalued, and whatever other adjective I could conjure up to be in my feelings.
So you know, in typical fashion, because I’ve made a habit of this being my first response (and sometimes my '“eventual response”) I turned on worship music..something soft. Light. I then began to talk to God.
I said things like, “I’m feeling moody. I’m feeling way too emotional and these feelings of mine are legit on 100. I started playing blame game about what boo thang" was or wasn’t doing. I mean I was giving God all the drama. LOL.
And then.. this quote came to mind. “You can’t make homes out of human beings.”
But God, I wasn’t.
Yes, you were.
You were expecting a person, or people and the space you all foster to fill you.
You were and are demanding that they bring you the things you identify with YOUR home. Things like:
comfort
peace
joy
security
consistency
happiness
warmth
reassurance
catering to
noticing
a place to be heard
a place to be seen
a place in which you have total control and commitment to
a place to unravel
a place to be naked
a place to release
a place where you are fed
You are asking man to be home for you.
Man who also has void, man who also is flawed, man who also needs:
comfort
peace
joy
security
consistency
happiness
warmth
reassurance
to be catered to
a place to be heard
a place to be seen
a place in which they have total control and commitment to
a place to unravel
a place to be naked
a place to release
a place where they are fed
It’s unfair.
It’s unreasonable.
It’s unhealthy. (Ouch).
Want to know what you and the people we try to make homes out of have in common?
A great need for Christ. In our lives but especially in those moments.
Voids and shallow halls that only Christ can fill.
Does this mean to be an island? No.
Does this mean in your significant other and/or in close relationships you can’t find a sense of home, no. Because you can & when it’s a sweet thang, baby you will. (It’ll be one of your favorite places to be—- with them).
However, they aren’t home.
They aren’t your strong tower or your lighthouse.
Christ is.
When we forget that our sweet folk—our community and our significant other are just dust, fragile and void, we set ourselves up for disappointment, unreasonable request in which they were never hard wired to fulfill and an irrational perspective of what the relationship’s purpose is/was in our life.
So after this chin check from Christ, he reminded me of the story of Jacob, Leah and Rachel.
In a nut shell, Jacob saw Rachel and said, babygirl is fine. He asked for her hand in marriage and her dad agreed as long as he was willing to work 7 years for him, in exchange for her. AGREED, for he said that “his love for her was so strong that it seemed to him but a few days.” (via Genesis 29:20).
Okay, cool. “Mr. Few days brotha.” LOL! Wedding day came and dad tricked him. He put Leah (Rachel’s older sister) in the room with him that night, which meant he slept with/consummated his marriage to her. He basically was tricked.
He confronts the dad and the dad says, “No worries, you can stil have Rachel. I’m going to need another 7 though.”
Mr.Few Days Brother aka Jacob says, not a problem.
Eventually he has both Rachel and Leah as wives.
Now here’s where it ties together.
While married, the word of God says, Leah was UNLOVED and God saw this and so he allowed Leah to have children. ( Rachel could not).
So , Genesis 29:32-35 says:
32 So Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, for she said, “The Lord has noticed my misery, and now my husband will love me.”
33 She soon became pregnant again and gave birth to another son. She named him Simeon, for she said, “The Lord heard that I was unloved and has given me another son.”
34 Then she became pregnant a third time and gave birth to another son. He was named Levi, for she said, “Surely this time my husband will feel affection for me, since I have given him three sons!”
35 Once again Leah became pregnant and gave birth to another son. She named him Judah, for she said, “Now I will praise the Lord!” And then she stopped having children.
How does all of this tie together?
Leah, was making a home in Jacob and in the hopes that carrying his seeds would change her situation, change the emotion she was experiencing with him, in her marriage, about HERSELF. She went as far as to name the children after the CONDITIONS she was dealing with. After not one, two but three kids, the fourth time around something shifted for her.
Something in her space, in her spirit and in her maturity shifted.
That though, I want affection, I want him to see me, I want him to want me the way I want him, I want to be valued, I want to be loved, I want him to work 7 years for me, to see that I’ve given him kids and not just any ole children, I’ve given him SONS, I can’t depend on his response/stimuli to determine my mood, my environment and my peace, my joy and my outlook on life.
By the fourth son, she said, “Now, I will praise the Lord.” because at this point it has less to do with Jacob and everything to do with shifting me, how I see me, how I look at my situation and my perspective moving forward.
HA, then the word says, “SHE STOPPED HAVING KIDS!”
Listen.
When your dependency shifts from man to Christ, perspective sets in and behavior changes.
I want to encourage you today to appreciate the sense of home you find in your loved ones and in your significant other. We NEED that. Those things nurture our dry wells and light a fire in us that they are suppose to. They offer such great benefits to our mental health. However, there’s a dimension of us they can’t reach, and that’s intentional too. In those places, those hard to reach places, hard to properly articulate, hard to process and explore places— let Christ in. Make a home of him, in Him. It’s safe there. It’s fully furnished there.
XoXoXOoxoXO,
Alicia Elizabeth
…because this photo gives me “home” vibes. Cozy. Comfortable.. Laxed.
