11.18.2018
Every time I return to my blog I am reminded with such conviction of the promise I made prior.
To be committed.
Committed to doing the work.
Committed to my purpose.
Committed to the simple things that are really big things.
Hey family.
It’s been a while.
I’m so thankful that at some point in your day you decided to come and visit this blog.
blows off dust.
Instead of spending 100 years apologizing about my absence and making empty promises I’ve decided to just DO.
In my quiet space I describe myself as a “do-er.”
So much so, that when I don’t, I am extremely critical of myself.
With the remaining days of 2018 and in preparation of the birthing of 2019, I have decided to grace myself 10830824075th time as Christ days with the wakening of each day and to just DO.
Do everything He told me to do.
DO everything he’s started a fire in me to do.
DO everything I am afraid of doing.
DO everything I am passionate about.
Just.. do it. (Unfortunately NIKE hasn’t sponsored this blog. LOL)
Anyhew,
One of the things I set out to DO with this blog was to show more skin.
Be more authentic, transparent and courageous.
One of the most courageous things we can ever do is ALLOW our true authentic selves to SHOW UP and be SEEN.
This has been the goal of my life in this season.
To be seen.
I know God see’s me but I also want to show up and SHOW him me.
I know my circle see’s me, but I want to SHOW up and allow them to SEE me.
To willingly participate.
To cooperate.
To partner in the work that it takes to have healthy, strong authentic relationships.
I struggle with this in some degree. (Which I will unfold probably in another blog). However, I am WORKING on this.
Working on not only showing up AFTER a solution has been found, but to show up when things are a hot mess.
Inviting the Holy Spirit into the rooms that I am most ashamed of.
The rooms that aint “guest ready” that hasn’t been cleaned and dust.
You get my drift?
So, when I started this blog I said I wanted to show more leg and more skin.
Then I became inconsistent.
SHAME.
I am praying 2018 births a new level of consistency, because it exist. I just have to get out of my own head.
ANYHEW (for the 80th time).
Here goes.
I recently got out of a long term relationship.
I really wanted to say it this way, “I recently got out of a long term relationship.”
And... (exhale)
It’s been a struggle for SO many reasons.
However, it’s also been the most amazing thing that’s happened to me in this season. (And that isn’t shot in the dark AT. ALL.)
I was talking to a friend recently and while he was sharing something with me, he randomly said, “There’s nothing I wouldn’t give to have peace in my life.”
And it was then… that evening that I realized, while everything around me aches a bit like heart break, feels weird—like hunger pains, feels lonely like cold breezes without a coat, feels quiet like empty halls, there’s this warmth like peace.
There’s this unidentified comfort and assuredness that everything around me will be okay.
This isn’t my first break up and so much of this transition feels familiar.
And maybe familiarity dances around me because…” I’ve been here before” says a small voice.
“I’ve survived this before….”
There’s better on the other side of this untangling, I say to myself.
Confidently.
Quietly.
Strongly.
Calmly.
This isn’t the end.
Anyhew, point of this blog… LOL
I wrote a tweet today. Tried to figure out how to best caption it and realized I would be inauthentic If I just attached an encouraging caption.
I don’t believe in the world knowing about every fight we are undergoing and or survived, however, I do believe that in order to build, create and maintain true community, you share.
Share some of the fights you’re winning and or have won AND share the strategy. So that others may be encouraged and or may be reminded that--- this is a fixed fight. We always win.
(Someone needs to read that again).
Anyhew, was driving today, was talking to God about my past love and He so sweetly, yet so sternly, yet so intently tapped my shoulder and said, I know you want His heart…but so do I.
“But, God…
You mean to tell me you’re on his side too?
You mean to tell me, I can’t play victim.
You mean to tell me, I have to take an account for the damage I may have done.
Or balls I may have dropped?
But God,You mean to tell me he’s your baby too?
That the same word (the bible) I use as a tool to make me feel better, works for him as well?
But God…”
“the same heart that you want, I want too.” - God
Then He began to show me that the surface things I was complaining about, feeling justified in, struggling to combat.
Those surface behaviors, those things that I may have seen as red flags or reason to be at odds, those patterns or mistakes my past love made were/are directly attached to a ROOT that long before I even got into this relationship with him God was after.
“Oh, you mean to tell me your heart has mourned longer than mines God?
That you have been seeking after him (and myself) long before this natural relationship and break up? “
Ouch.
Wow.
And suddenly,
Being mad didn’t/doesn’t seem worth it.
And suddenly,
My prayers of covering for myself seemed selfish.
And suddenly,
Praying that God removes the memory seemed… less of a necessity but instead the prayer shifted to “God, can you do the work him and I couldn’t?”
Could you go into the places/roots that we didn’t/couldn’t identify and do the work?
Can you fix the hearts of not only him but me too?
God, hurt people, hurt people.
I’m guilty of being hurt and relinquishing hurt.
My mess doesn’t smell like roses.
Who am I to assume that because you’re MY God that your character changes when I am pained with a thorn?
Who am I to assume that the forgiveness you provide for me, isn’t offered to him?
What in me would assume that you’d love me better and leave him stranded?
That would go against the very character of God..
And you’re a God that doesn’t change.
You’re consistent.
EVEN. WHEN. I. AM NOT.
And God knows, I change often.
We all do.
Can I encourage you with this truth…?
That God, the same God who comforts you.
The same God who seeks after you.
The same God that is a friend for you.
He is the same for the very person that hurt you.
Because attached to that damaging, hurtful behavior is a root that God is trying to pull out and correct.
And something about recognizing the consistency in God’s love for us, for me, for my past love, suddenly softens my heart.
And instead of being hurt that things didn’t pan out as I wanted them to.
It makes me want to pray that the next go round for myself and for whomever my past love meets, that we are more prepared individuals in the name of love.
See you in the next post where I plan to show up and be seen some more,
Alicia Elizabeth XOXoxoXOxox
P.S,
If you’re going through a break up, an ending of a relationship. I want to come against this nonsense the enemy will whisper to you. Love doesn’t hurt, it can’t because GOD is love. People hurt. And oftentimes, people hurt you because they are hurt…or they are struggling with unresolved hurt. Read that again. Don’t give up on love baby. There are enough men/women in the world. God has not forgotten about YOU. You’re his BABY!! He’s desperate for you. He’s pursuing you day in and day out.
