Transition[ing]

My last post was March 7, 2018.

Whoa.

My first instinct tells me to apologize.

Mainly because I want to be committed to this blog, to my VLOG (Alicia Elizabeth) and to the people who support me regardless of how consistent or  inconsistent I’ve been.

However, today, June 6, 2018 @ 1:46pm, I find myself not apologizing but instead coming to update you.

Ya’ll your girl has been SWAMPED! A ton of things have happened and what I am constantly reminding myself as I navigate this thing called “life” is to grace myself. If it’s alright, I just wanna chat.

Can we chat? This post might be long so if you haven’t already-- go grab a snack. Go relax somewhere and scroll. Lets talk.

In March, I turned 26.

I had been meaning to post even that week--- I wanted to share some “enlightening things.” I wanted to get on here and inspire, motivate and encourage my readers. However, if I’m honest--- my birthday was crappy. Funny thing, I’m not one to complain, not one to have the biggest expectations of things like “bdays” but things were just happening. Left and right in all areas of my life-- that I actually looked up and realized the 22nd (March 22--bday) was coming, noticed it, and boom it was over. Did I eventually celebrate it? Yes. On the 22nd, nope. Does that matter? Not really.

Something I realized though with this past birthday was, just because 365 days passed from your previous birthday-- doesn’t mean you’ve fully gotten everything out of that year. Is it possible that you can age without the completion of maturity? Absolutely. (Read that last sentence again.) Is it possible for you to age (to grow old) and not complete the process of maturity? ABS-the heck-LU-TA-LEE. LOL! (You a real one if you did that!)

My birthday came and went but something in me didn’t feel 26 (if that even has a feeling) when my birthday was passing..something in me felt like, my birthday and the completion of “year 25” didn’t take place until April.

So… weeks had passed, didn’t post about, was still journeying through things and then boom-- I felt a shift.

Oh, hey 26!

On top of internally going through some changes I was finishing up my last semester at THE OHIO STATE University! Ya’ll, ya girl has graduated!

So privately I was being stretched and physically I was drained with student teaching, exams for licensing, classwork, my relationship(s), my walk with Christ, work (cuz ya girl needs coins) and a host of other things! If I’m honest-- I was crawling.

You ever just stare at a wall because everything going on is just too much?! LOL!

*insert me laying on my bed, staring at the ceiling many of days thinking, “dis tewww much”*

LOL!

A lot was happening.

What’s the point of all of this Alicia?

Well--long story summarized, this time I won’t apologize for being in hiding. Instead, I want to grab the roots of why I started this blog and exhale. I want to remind myself that I declared publicly to ya’ll to be open, to share, to admit when I’m overwhelmed, to acknowledge when I am/was drowning and to share my shadows. The parts that social media don’t make room for. To make my “highlight reel” a place where I actually “highlight what's REAL.”

I was struggle bus'n this spring. So unfortunately, I hadn’t made this blog my release space yet. (Still working on that.) And so-- I went missing.

However, your girl has officially walked across the darn stage and whew-- I feel like I will be here MORE often and something about that is SO exciting .

So, let’s talk about this shift of 26, and this transitioning of graduating.

One of the first things that happened to me when I finally felt like 26 had set in was my decision to trust myself. [more]

For my fellow believers, breathe. I am not saying I’ll trust this flesh more than I’ll trust Christ, I am simply…. nope, I HAVE simply decided to stand firmly more often about some of my decisions. To own, to explore, to walk through and to fall as I navigate. (Biggest part of that-- is allowing myself to fall, to fail, to get it wrong and to grace Alicia.)

As an educator, I think I unconsciously convinced myself in all walks of life (my relationship with my boo, my friends, my fam and even with Christ) that I was suppose to know better and then do better. The conflicting part of this entire statement is, sometimes we are privy to knowing better due to wisdom from wise counsel and sometimes we simply don’t know better, which then means we don’t have the capacity to DO better. (mouth full-- read it again if you must.)

26 is the year I trust myself to learn. To shut up with everything that I think I know and to practice the art of not knowing, exploring, getting it wrong, learning and listening. To trust the boundaries I’ve put in place, to trust my “no”, to trust my not “knowing” and to trust the process.

Ya’ll 26 feels free.

So on top of this decision, graduation did a backflip right in my lap with it’s arrival.

Originally there were some mix up’s and I was suppose to walk one semester later---but God.

So last minute I got the green light that THIS MAY I could strut across the stage.

First freeing decision, owning my sexy.

LOL. You read that correctly.

I’m a thickie….thick graduate that is.

While I would never say I struggled with low-self esteem, I will admit that I am weight conscious.

What’s weight conscious, Alicia? Glad you asked.

It’s when you’re aware of your weight, so you’re not about to be out here wearing what doesn’t suit your body type, and that you tend to think about your weight often. (I totally just made that definition up.)

While being mindful and aware of my weight is a great thing, I found myself boxing myself in. I ALMOST wrote in my made up definition, that weight conscious was/is “knowing what to and what not to wear.” Read that again-- knowing what to, and not to wear. WHO IN THE WORLD CAN TELL ME WHAT TO WEAR? Who creates the social norms for what’s appropriate for my body type?

Exactly.

So with me being “weight conscious” I unknowingly became weight bound. I became bound by my size without my knowing. So as an act of liberty, an act of growth and an act of trusting and owning my sexy---I wore the sexiest, body flattering outfit I came across. BAYYYYYYYY-B when I tell you I WORKED my graduation outfit! I didn’t want to get undressed.

(Oh but honey I did, them heels had to go after awhile. lol)

Icing on the cake---I cut my hair!

Ya’ll Alicia done lost her mind.

On the day of Black graduation ( a graduation for black at a PWI) I went for a whole BOB! Just was like-- let’s do this! Tired of boundaries, tired of limits, tired of remaining the same, tired of being a stranger to change. I WENT THE HECK OFF..and so did my hair, so did limitations that people, previous lovers, haters, enemies, insecure and damaging people might have accidentally transferred to me.

I was walking in the decision to trust myself, trust change, trust exploration and familiarize myself with uncharted waters. To trust that God is a good father and that he welcomes the season of learning to walk--- differently.

Lastly, I began an unexpected transition out of one job into another. (Provision is funny and doesn’t always make sense but it’s good.) I moved out of an apartment I was in for 3 years into a brand spanking new one that expanded my ability to dream. I traveled to California to see my brother walk across the stage a week after me. Spent time with my family on what felt like our first big family trip (I am dramatic) arrived back in Ohio just to finally realize… I was transitioning into what I now consider a new transition season.

Whew. More to come.

However, today, my goal was just to catch you all up. To say “hey” to say “hi” and to let you know I am alive.  Things are going well, and I am SO excited to get back to blogging, to share intimate spaces with you all. To let you all know I missed ya’ll and that honestly-- the best is yet to come. I am so excited about the woman I am and the woman I am totally growing into.

Whew, baby! I am crushing on myself.

 XoxXoX,
Alicia Elizabeth