I had an interesting discussion with my most recent lover.
Where I was explaining to him that when you love a person, a mutual agreement to end an explicit relationship doesn’t declare the end of loving them. Though our mouths say one things, our hearts typically tell the truth.. or at least honors the things we might not be ready to admit.
I was tickled but not shocked by his response.
The world has taught him (which he agrees with) that the end of relationships typically means the end of attachments.
I get it but I don’t.
At my age (as if age determines this)..…I still wrestle and find peace in endings.
I still struggle and participate in the parting of something I’ve grown attached to.
I still foolishly try to mature the parts of me that are underdeveloped through childish antics. (so I think)
I have stopped talking to past lovers only to miss them more.
I’ve denied myself the room and permission to be at odds and still love, them.
I’ve told myself not to miss the very person I’ve missed the most.
It’s ridiculous to think that love can be turned on and off by the ending of exclusivity.
I have found in every break up that I’ve experienced just how powerful love is.
It has matured me.
It has offended me by its ability to highlight my immaturity.
It has challenged me to love deeper than I did during the previous opportunity.
It has also taught me about how little control I actually have in the matters of my heart.
Love has never hurt me. People have (usually because someone has hurt them) and even when people hurt us, it still does not cancel that we love them. If anything, it alters how we love them.. (Which goes back to the pattern, hurt people, hurt people.)
I’m going to say that one more time…
“It ALTERS how we love them” which if we really want to dig deep, the fact that we ALTER how we LOVE a person reflects our limited understanding of love in action.
My past lover’s response to my logic was, “Oh no, that’s not how I do business. I’m not still loving my ex’s and leaving that door open.” Over protective of his heart. Listening with guarded ears. Not quiet understanding that not every ending has to be on bad terms, or has to produce hate. Most, if not all should produce a deeper understanding of self and the unlimited amount of things we have yet to learn.
I don’t think the doors to our ex’s or past lovers should remain open with expectations or lingering hope. However, I don’t believe that the door which once was a revolving door which assisted in a behavior pattern is the easiest to seal tightly. I also don’t believe still loving your ex’s mean you still want them. Instead, I think it validates that what you all shared in it’s on unique ball of complexities was real. Real enough for it to remain imprinted on your heart.
The God of the universe in and out of time shows us that love, Real love, often has little to nothing to do with the given conditions, and everything to do with it being a verb that we intentionally decide to exude day in and day out. Aren’t we thankful that God doesn’t love us the way our conditions say He should? Disclaimer: This is not to encourage unhealthy and toxic relationships but more so to highlight that when we love a person it isn’t something we can turn on and off and that’s alright. That’s normal. It’s okay to have loved a person with our entire being one day and to have grown into a deeper awareness of things and ourselves which then results in a posture change all the while still loving the person. Us changing our position in one another live’s does not change our affections, concern and care.
Which brings me back to my opening statement: when you love a person, a mutual agreement to end an explicit relationship doesn’t declare the end of loving them. In a world that demands we block our past lovers, ignore them, write them off as the worst person in the universe, hate them, throw them under the bus, tell all of their secrets in the name of getting over and healing, hope for their downfall or always consider it “their loss” I come against it. I say, not so. Not when you love them. Not when a sneeze ago you wanted them to win, and you loved their dirty drawwwls. Not so. You can be disappointed, hurt, and a ton of other things while also still caring about them and loving them from afar or hands down differently but love…. real love, doesn’t stop at the decision, it can alter in appearance but it doesn’t cease in it’s existence.
XoxoXoxoXo,
Alicia Elizabeth
I am reminding myself of LOVE. How it has dwelled and continues to dwell in my life. It’s relevance not only in its ending but also it’s beginning, maturation/fulfillment and completion.
