TheWaitingSpace Wednesday is BACK

Happy Wednesday beautiful people. 

How are we? How's life?
How's your mental health. 

I pulled up my blog and realized it's been 3 months since my last post. 

I'm not going to do some drawn out, shame on me intro.  (LOL)

March taught me what it means to "activate" and so, instead I declare and decree activation on my blog moving forward. 

My best advice for now would be to check my blog on Sunday's, Wednesday's and Fridays. Those are the days I am committing to posting. Sometimes it'll be long, sometimes it'll be short. 

Sometimes my post might be one single word. LOL! (Ex: Tired.) LOL!

jk jk. 

Either way, bare with me.

Where have I been? 
What's been going on? 

Well, ya girl is a WHOLE High School English teacher, I am now responsible for the lives of 140 beautiful children. Just writing that made me tired. LOL. I kid. LOL!

No, seriously. I have been exploring the highs and the lows of teaching. More highs than lows, and more learning than highs. (You'll catch that.) 

Anyhew, let's dive right in. 

I feel......quiet. 

I feel solid in my skin. 

I feel assured of myself.

I feel like exploring the world more. 

I feel.... like questioning everything a year ago I accepted...ignorantly.  (lacking knowledge or awareness)

I feel like Christ and I are sitting on a porch, on a spring day, birds chirping, soft breeze on my skin and through my hair… and we aren't saying much, yet we are saying a ton. 

I feel like quality time with him has looked a lot like sitting, listening, breathing, and exchanging. 

I feel gratitude.

While also feeling extremely stretched. 

Who am I to be worthy of Him? 

I feel uncomfortable while comfortably stretching. Maybe it's comfortable because I am yielding in this season. 

I feel....calm. 

I feel grown.

My birthday was in March.

My past few birthdays have been odd if you ask me. 

Enjoyable according to what I was doing, but a lot of thinking internally.

A lot of shifts. 

A lot of quiet prayers through whispering.

This past birthday...felt different. 

I am not married. 

I do not have any kids. 

I am rather new in my career. 

I live away from my immediate family.

I haven't yet found my "tribe" in Columbus. 

What is love? And am I making it more complex than what it is?

If it isn't complex, do I want it? 

Where did I learn to desire complicated, love? 

What's wrong with me?

Is there anything wrong with me?

Should that even be a question I consider in my alone time? 

I don't want children yet, is this strange?

Marriage is a small flame in the bottom of my stomach which only burns once every 31 days. Is this strange? 

I enjoy being single.

Or do I enjoy the freedom of not having to put on my big girl pants and share a life with someone? 

Do I enjoy the lack of accountability more than I do the joys of commitment? 

I am not like my friends. 

And while birds of a feather do flock together, somehow, I've managed to drift. 

I am unique. 

Should I stay in Columbus where I've created a peace. 

Should I return to DC where there are several intricate pieces of me? 

Should I move somewhere new and explore the journey of starting again, again? 

Is my "wise counsel" wise? 

Is it possible that life is not as enjoyable because, instead of experiencing it. We are posting it and watching it from an overpriced screen? 

What is forgiveness? 

And who I am to not extend it?

It is easily one of the hardest things to do. Quite possibly because often we avoid the work that forgiveness comes with. 

Have you ever really forgiven someone? 

What did that look like afterwards? Is it possible to love them the same, if not greater than the previous time? 

I been thinking ya'll. (can you tell? LOL)

Thank you for giving me the space to free write… to dump.  Because, all of that--- felt worthy enough to share with you.

And I did it without thinking.

Unedited, unfiltered and raw. If you get it, you get it. If you don't, it wasn't for you. (I say that with love).

Anyhew-- lets get to a more organized space. 

God has had his hand on two areas for me lately.  The first one, is friendship. I haven't announced this yet-- but I plan to do a friendship series on my YOUTUBE, so if you haven't already-- check me out at Alicia Elizabeth via Youtube. 

In a nutshell, I've been in Columbus for 5 years now and I haven't found my "folk." I love my church family but, I haven't found my circle of people that I can pop up with on a random Sunday. You know, the folks who don't mind you making their solo dinner plans, now a date with you. The ones you can watch TV shows with weekly. The ones that you don't have to "work" at creating a space to just "be." 

Because of this, God has been nudging me. Almost to say, "so whatcha gonna do about it?" ANNOYING.

The double annoying part is that— I have a tribe back at home. Plentiful. However, because of our make up—- I believe God has made us so unique and in HIS likeness that we CAN if we exercise the muscle of creating relationships have tribes wherever he places us.

A couple days ago, I put on my big girl pants and went to work. Tune in via YouTube for that. 

Secondly, love after hurt....i.e Forgiveness.

I'm going to be honest, I'm still walking this one out. Still unfolding this. Still asking God. Still thinking.. still considering.. Still yielding, afraid. 

What I can tell you is this, love is a command. No where in the bible is it suggested. Forgiveness is an off-spring of love. (read that again). 

I don't want to "love" through guilt. I've found that often when I talk to other believers about forgiveness and loving someone who has hurt them instead of actually going through the process. They instead slap icing aka scripture/spiritual expectations on top of mess. Therefore creating more mess. Consequently, enabling hurt to be a continued cycle. Have you ever had undone cake? (Or like a pancake… that upon arrive is still wet in the middle.) You can't do ANYTHING with it. I am asking God to show me how to love after being hurt. How to trust, after being lied to. How to forgive and mean it. It's interesting because as the flame of marriage stirs quietly in the pit of my stomach, I'm so thankful for it's delay in coming because I NEED this process. I NEED this season and would've hated to tie myself to someone without having first learned how to love this way. (Especially in a society that encourages throwing the whole man/woman away). How to die to myself. How to extend grace. How to cover a multitude of wrongs.  How to make room for disappointment from those I least expected it from. Oh, and another thing— this art of forgiving is not just for romantic relationships. If that’s how you read the above paragraph, understand that those same practices should take place in your platonic/friendships.

Let's talk about this. I'd love to hear from you. Hear your experiences, your struggles.

Your truth. 

As always, thanks for tuning in. Thanks for stopping by. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for your FIRST comment below. Thank you for your patience as I activate and commit to these gifts. I love you.

XoxoXO See you Friday honey, 

Alicia Elizabeth

P.S,

I have a ton of pictures to share with you all. They are on the way.